Fear

             Fear. You think that word means, “ oh man I was so scared of that movie!” or “ OMG I that haunted house was so scary!!”. But to some people it means. “ I can die in less than a month”. Or “ wow this is the last time I am going to be gone without saying good bye to my wife and children. Hi my name is Tatiana Pena. And in my case, Fear means I need to watch who is around me at all times and who has a gun/ knife and who doesn’t.
          
            I live in Fear. Every single damn day. I can’t live in peace. The only thing I have is my pet dog and my pillow pet horse. Tell me; is that enough? No didn’t think so. What can I do to take this excruciating fear and pain away? Nothing, because I can trust no one. I can only write down my feelings on piece paper and hope for everything in my life to come into a perfect line and be completely flawless. But who’s life is that? Probably Bill Gates. Who knows? Not me. I am that girl in school that has a lot of friends, and yet is blue and miserable.
           
Dear diary,
It is the beginning of a new year.. can anything change in such a short period of time? I sure hope so. I am scared. What if they come for me? What if I am the first one on the list? How and what are they going to use on me? Can I come back to live? Will I be able to just bare the pain and stay alive for everyone that I hope loves me?... well no one will know until it happens. But at least, let me have a chance to say by to my family and thank god for all the time he has given me so far. All of these things are going to my head at school. I can’t even concentrate anymore. I’m of f in lala land.. By the way, where is that for me? Hell? Heaven? Not sure all I hope is that for once in my life I can be happy and feel at home. ugh parents are coming down. I gotta go I don’t want them to find out that I have you. You are the only thing that I have to actually pore my heart out. I love you.

Tatiana Pena 

1-1-2010

                Do you know anyone that can help me? Please. If I don’t get help any time soon I might end up dead before they get me. I am afraid to do it myself. I should probably wait so that they get the pleasure out of killing a little 13 years old girl. Fine let them get the satisfaction. I am fine with it. It’s all good. I don’t even care anymore. But they should think about it. They have lived their life already. I have years ahead of me. What do they want? Money, enjoyment? Sorry but the only thing they will get is just the enjoyment. My money, is my money even If I am dead sounds a sleep. They would just be wasting their time, heartbreaks of people that don’t need more heartbreaks, and most of all they would be wasting my time that I could be at school trying my hardest to pay attention and get a scholarship to be a lawyer. That’s cool whatever they will get the satisfaction. I guess that’s what they will get and they better like it.

              Fear. I have a deep fear of having one person in my own family, putting me on kill list. Sounds ridiculous right? But trust me it’s very true. Wretchedly, I know. It kinda sucks but that’s the family that I was born in and that’s what I have to deal with. I just want everything to just stop. I am tired of this crap. I am thirteen I should not be dealing with this. But either way I will be even if it’s now or later. At least I know that I am probably going to be dying soon. Not now not tomorrow. Probably in a month. Probably in a year. I don’t give a damn. I am just happy that I know I am going to die soon. Hopefully it will be fast and without pain. I hate pain…. I abhor this.