Reflection.

As I look at when the school started, I have realized that I can be a really good writer if I don't think about it and I just write it from my heart. I have seen that I do a better job when I can write about what I want. Witch that would probably be things that I am close to. I also have realized that when the teacher tells me what to write about I don't do my best, because usually I don't find it interesting. I feel really proud of were I have become as a reader and a writer.  I have came a long, long way since I started writing with actual essays.  I definitely feel that I am a much better reader and writer now then I might have been in six grade or seventh grade.

Father

Imagine. Not being able to see someone that you are extremely close too in eight years. It could be the hardest eight years of your life right? How do think it would feel to have someone as close to you as, let’s say your sister or maybe your dad or your mom? Might be because they left, they just could not handle the stress or they just did not want to be at that house anymore. It could be anything. This is exactly the way I feel about losing my father. I lost my father when I was young. And the song “Daddy’s little girl” by, Frankie J definitely explains the way I feel about what happened. My story doesn’t necessarily fit with the song but I could definitely relate with some of the things that it said in it.

The first time I heard this song I was with my sister. We weren’t doing anything so we went and sat down on the couch and turned on the music channel. We see the song “Daddy’s Little Girl” so we click on it to see what it was about. The first thing that song said was breath taking. I remember looking over at my sister. All I see is a tear escaping from her eye as if she never dropped a single teardrop in her life. When I kept listening I noticed that I was the doing the same thing. So I go over by her and I sit with her. I hold her in my arms, closer than we have ever been before. Those first verses were,

He drops his suitcase by the door
She knows her daddy won't be back anymore
She drags her feet across the floor
Tryin' to hold back time, to keep him holdin' on.

And she says, "Daddy, Daddy, don't leave
I'll do anything to keep you
Right here with me
Can't you see how much I need you??

We were weeping in pain. Just to see him one more time. Just to see his body and flesh right in front of us, and just tell him how much we miss him. Just to see him one more time and tell him that we all want him back, and that what he did for us was.. Is unforgettable. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Trying to forget about my father. But with everything I try to do, nothing works. He always keeps coming back to my mind no matter what. Sometimes I feel like I have never had a father because he died when I was five. If only you would know what happen to him. You would look at me and you would say, wow she might be the strongest young woman I have ever seen in my life. But truly I might be one of the weakest you might know.

I haven’t seen my father in eight years. I haven’t heard my father in eight years. I haven’t been able to hug my father in eight years. I haven’t had one single holiday with my father in eight years. Tell me. How sad does that sound?.. But no matter how sad it might be, I deal with the pain of trying to seek my father out in the distance.

darkness...

As I crawl into bed, I feel a warm hand creeping up behind my back.
As I look back, I see absolutely nothing. Just my wall.
As I lay down on my bed, I feel as if there was something or someone trying to say something to me.

As I feel the fear swarming up my back.

I think what should I do? pray for nothing to happen and just stop?
No you've got to fight it.

As I hear that creeping beast come closer and closer to my bed, I start to feel the warmth from the beast;
warmer and warmer as I start to call out for help.

Fear

             Fear. You think that word means, “ oh man I was so scared of that movie!” or “ OMG I that haunted house was so scary!!”. But to some people it means. “ I can die in less than a month”. Or “ wow this is the last time I am going to be gone without saying good bye to my wife and children. Hi my name is Tatiana Pena. And in my case, Fear means I need to watch who is around me at all times and who has a gun/ knife and who doesn’t.
          
            I live in Fear. Every single damn day. I can’t live in peace. The only thing I have is my pet dog and my pillow pet horse. Tell me; is that enough? No didn’t think so. What can I do to take this excruciating fear and pain away? Nothing, because I can trust no one. I can only write down my feelings on piece paper and hope for everything in my life to come into a perfect line and be completely flawless. But who’s life is that? Probably Bill Gates. Who knows? Not me. I am that girl in school that has a lot of friends, and yet is blue and miserable.
           
Dear diary,
It is the beginning of a new year.. can anything change in such a short period of time? I sure hope so. I am scared. What if they come for me? What if I am the first one on the list? How and what are they going to use on me? Can I come back to live? Will I be able to just bare the pain and stay alive for everyone that I hope loves me?... well no one will know until it happens. But at least, let me have a chance to say by to my family and thank god for all the time he has given me so far. All of these things are going to my head at school. I can’t even concentrate anymore. I’m of f in lala land.. By the way, where is that for me? Hell? Heaven? Not sure all I hope is that for once in my life I can be happy and feel at home. ugh parents are coming down. I gotta go I don’t want them to find out that I have you. You are the only thing that I have to actually pore my heart out. I love you.

Tatiana Pena 

1-1-2010

                Do you know anyone that can help me? Please. If I don’t get help any time soon I might end up dead before they get me. I am afraid to do it myself. I should probably wait so that they get the pleasure out of killing a little 13 years old girl. Fine let them get the satisfaction. I am fine with it. It’s all good. I don’t even care anymore. But they should think about it. They have lived their life already. I have years ahead of me. What do they want? Money, enjoyment? Sorry but the only thing they will get is just the enjoyment. My money, is my money even If I am dead sounds a sleep. They would just be wasting their time, heartbreaks of people that don’t need more heartbreaks, and most of all they would be wasting my time that I could be at school trying my hardest to pay attention and get a scholarship to be a lawyer. That’s cool whatever they will get the satisfaction. I guess that’s what they will get and they better like it.

              Fear. I have a deep fear of having one person in my own family, putting me on kill list. Sounds ridiculous right? But trust me it’s very true. Wretchedly, I know. It kinda sucks but that’s the family that I was born in and that’s what I have to deal with. I just want everything to just stop. I am tired of this crap. I am thirteen I should not be dealing with this. But either way I will be even if it’s now or later. At least I know that I am probably going to be dying soon. Not now not tomorrow. Probably in a month. Probably in a year. I don’t give a damn. I am just happy that I know I am going to die soon. Hopefully it will be fast and without pain. I hate pain…. I abhor this.

Stormy Winds.

As I hear the stormy winds I think of a blizzard.
I think of what I would do if I was all alone out in frezzing cold.
Would I die? Would I live? Could I be able to come back to home?
I don’t know what any of the answers to those question are. Unless I go to the antartic
All by myself. To see what it would be like.
But who would do that? That’s just crazy to think that.
I don’t tihnk that I would do that even tho someone would pay me a million dollars to go all by myself.
Why?
Because all the money people would give I would have to use for my medical needs that I will have after I go up there and just freeze but off.
I honestly do not know one peron tat would do that.
Its common Sense.

speak.

In every school, no matter what school it is, there is always an outcast. Most districts start having an outcast in either 6th grade or 7th grade. Those people sometimes try to do whatever they would have to do, just to not be an outcast. What really inspires me is how Laurie Halse Anderson, the author of Speak, put Melinda in the book. Melinda might care a little, but its not like she changes what she thinks or how/what she wears her cloths. She luckily found a better way to deal with the depression: with drawing.

Art can help with many emotions: depression, anger, sadness, etc. But in the case of Melinda it helps her with fear and a feeling inside that eats her up each and every day. During the summer she went to party just like any teenager would do in a normal life. A guy that thought he could get some that night, went to Melinda because she was easy to get. So he went to Melinda, started acting like he was her boyfriend but really he was just trying to get, what every guy is thinking about. As they go outside, they lay down on the grass under a tree. He started asking her if she wanted to do "it" but she didn’t answer. So he went for it. He raped her, and now because of that, every time she's looking at a tree she has the flashbacks that eats her up. She tries to forget the about it but for some reason that memory over laps the good ones. As she goes to school, in her art class, the teacher told her to pick a piece of paper out of the jar/world. She, all of a sudden got a tree. She asks if she could another one because it was really childish for her to draw a tree. The teacher said no, she has to draw the tree. So she started on her tree. She tought that by getting a better view of a tree. She laid down outside under a tree. As she was staring at the tree the flashbacks started coming. She freaked out but she went to draw the tree. And as she kept drawing and drawing the trees even more, she got comfortable with the trees, but she still got the flashbacks. No matter what she tries to keep going and just keeps on drawing, as much as she can.

I know how Melinda feels. My old school, Greendale Middle School, made me feel like I was a complete outcast. Everyone gave me looks as if I was an alien that was disgusting to look at. If you don't know how it feels... well, it feels like burning hell. You feel like everyone in the whole entire world is against you. Of course you, not knowing what to do but just deal with it and keep going on with what you can. Maybe there is one or two friends along the road, but they turn out to be fake. If they are real then it feels like its just a fairytale, that is going to end soon. And there it happens. It ends right before your eyes.

No matter if you are an outcast, the most popular person in the whole entire world, alien, Scooby doo, it doesn’t matter. You always need to be yourself. Don’t let other people influence you. Sure sometimes you don’t have control over what people make you do, but somehow you could always be yourself. If you are by yourself in school.. Then be by yourself. Prove to everyone that you can think, be, believe the saying, " ME, MYSELF, AND I". Prove that you don’t need anyone by your side, and you can fight your battles and be strong and stand up for yourself. Of course at one point your going to feel overwhelmed. You'll know when that moment is because that feeling is like you cant take it anymore and you just brake down crying. And that's alright. When that happens, make sure that you don’t end up being stupid, with committing suicide, and go to a grown up that you can trust, and tell them what's going on. You don’t have to tell them everything, just what your feeling (at the moment). That would be the best choice to do.

Catherine (:

C- can me make me laugh.
A- Amazing at being a really good friend.
T- the person to trust with a secret.
H- my Hunnybunch ;)
E- Excellent at helping me when i need help.
R- likes to Run.
I- Intellegent...
N- Never can disapoint someone.
E- Excellent, Amazing, Super, Best friend. :)

:) I LOVE YOU HUNNYBUNCH! (: